Southport in Australia ‘really, really shit’ compared to our Southport


It has emerged that there is another Southport – in Australia, on Queensland’s so-called ‘Gold Coast’ which is like a much, much shitter version of our seaside paradise. We spoke to Southport Tourism chief, Dick Withers, who told us that our counterparts down-under had to endure horrendous conditions. “For a start it’s More...

by admin | Published 2 years ago
chapel street
By admin On Tuesday, November 10th, 2015

Southport town centre to be relocated to Meols Cop

The Southport Business Improvement District team have decided upon a plan which will instantly solve all of the problems of Southport town centre. It has been decided that the area containing the Meols Cop retail More...

aldi southport
By admin On Thursday, August 6th, 2015

Double-Size Aldi Will Still Only Have One Till Open

Aldi have confirmed today that, despite spending millions doubling the size of their store in Kew, Southport, there will still only be one till open at any given time. According to Aldi spokesperson, Dick Withers, More...

A typical Birkdale mum.
By admin On Wednesday, May 20th, 2015

Birkdale Better Than Formby for MILF’s

A typical Birkdale mum. In a surprise change of fortune, Birkdale has topped this year’s Southport & District MILF league table. Residents of Formby, whose MILF’s had topped the league for a record More...

sexy southport
By admin On Thursday, November 13th, 2014

Study explains why people from Southport are so incredibly sexy

The reason why Sandgrounders naturally exude an aura of effortless attractiveness has been an unexplained mystery in the scientific community for many years. Until now, that is. A team of boffins at Edge Hill University  More...

By admin On Thursday, November 6th, 2014

Kew set for Britain’s First Bi-Directional Roundabout

Kew roundabout in Southport is to become the first bi-directional traffic island in Britain. The two-way roundabout system is set to be rolled out across the UK after a six month pilot scheme and a wider public More...

southport beach grass
By admin On Monday, July 14th, 2014

Southport Beach in £3m Miracle-Gro Sponsorship Deal

The Southport Times can exclusively reveal that Sefton Council have sold naming rights to Southport Beach to the lawn fertiliser company, Miracle-Gro for around £3m. From next month, our once golden coastline will More...

orange saturday
By admin On Saturday, July 12th, 2014

Southport Prefers Orange Wednesdays

A huge debate has broken out in Southport tonight, in the aftermath of the latest Orange Saturday. Many are arguing that it is time for the town to ban them. “I can’t see why they can’t just be More...

angry boy
By admin On Tuesday, July 1st, 2014

Southport Kid Banking on Fake Scouse Accent to Make it Through School Without a Fight

Southport year 9 student, Oliver Wenthropp, has successfully managed to avoid fisticuffs for the first three years of high school, it has emerged. “When I started high school I noticed a lot of lads much bigger More...

no smoking man
By admin On Saturday, June 28th, 2014

You Know You Grew up in Southport in the 70′s or 80′s When…

You remember: Having to work up the courage to go on the death slide. And going down the helter-skelter on a woven mat. Knowing someone, or someone who knew someone, who nicked Chewits from the factory on Virginia More...