Published On: Fri, Mar 28th, 2014

‘Black Friday’ shoppers fail to find cut-price souls

Hordes of voracious shoppers have been swarming intoblack friday temples of consumerism since one minute after midnight today, desperately searching for meaning in the acquisition of shiny things.

A traditional American holiday, celebrating  the grinding down of the human spirit under the mighty jack-booted heel of righteous, omnipotent and benevolent corporations, ‘Black Friday’ has now permanently weaseled its way into the culture of our green and pleasant land.

“Our message is clear,” One chairman of a chain of glittering shrines to emptiness told us today. “You need to buy something to mean something. And the more you buy the more you mean.”

However, we understand that so far today not a single shopper has been able to find a shred of deeper significance in a single TV, toaster or pair of shoes.

“Just like Charlie eventually found his golden ticket,” One desperate consumer intoned forlornly, “I know if I just keep buying stuff I’ll eventually unwrap a soul.”

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