Published On: Wed, Feb 3rd, 2016

Fresh wave of gang violence engulfs Birkdale Village

The notoriously intimidating ghetto known by localsBirkdale-Village-Summer-Fayre-2015-60 as ‘Birkdale Village’ has been experiencing a spike in levels of gang warfare, it has emerged.

We understand that Birkdale’s most notorious gangs, the ‘Teabaggers’ and the ‘Birks’, are behind the fresh wave of violence.

‘Teabaggers’, who usually congregate in Birkdale’s deadly Tea Rooms wine bar, can be identified by a hairstyle twenty years too young for them, tight jeans and pointy shoes. To identify one another, Teabaggers ensure that the keyring to their hire purchased Audi or BMW is always prominently dangled.

‘Birks’, who call the notorious Birkers Bar their home turf, can be identified by their general resemblance to Grant or Phil Mitchell off Eastenders. Birks identify one another by screams at the football on the telly that can be heard from three miles away.

Police have urged civilians not to get involved in the turf war, as a retired chartered accountant from Birkdale Conservative Club threatened to “Bust a cap in the ass of any motherfucker who makes too much noise on snooker night.”

 

Image courtesy of Wainwright and Matheson Photography

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