Let’s face it – McGregor and Mayweather are both counter-strikers who will be trousering millions whether they bother throwing any punches or not tonight. So why not save yourself twenty quid on the pay per view and be guaranteed plenty of claret on the cobbles with this handy Southport Times guide to watching scraps around town instead:
Cheap beer, boxing on a big screen and dozens of large, bald men with ‘Sharon’ tattoos; could there be a more perfect recipe for a mass brawl?
We recommend you get in early though. With at least eight hours solid drinking until the main event, there’s a good chance the police will have the place cordoned off by 2am.
You might not expect much action at a screening of the fight at the pictures – but this is our hot tip for some real middle class aggro. It’ll be fairly calm and civilised for most of the undercard. People in corduroys will be sipping £6 plastic glasses of wine and nodding appreciatively at the professional pugilism on display. Then someone near the front will turn around and say ‘shhhh’ at the wrong time and it will all go fucking mental.
You also wouldn’t think you’d get much violence out of a bunch of bearded vegans in flat caps and skinny trousers. But, like a slice of bacon in the quinoa and lentil casserole, a single drop of testosterone in the craft ale could spread like wildfire tonight – awakening dormant, primitive masculinity. Expect limp-wristed punches to be flying by midnight. The combination of severe protein deficiency and perfectly waxed and oiled chin protectors means the hipsters probably won’t have the strength to do each other much damage – but the comedy value alone should make a visit worthwhile.
A Kebab House
We all know the script here. This is the perfect venue for the end of the evening. Better still – if you can find a kebab place with one of those arcade games where you test your punching power by smacking the punchbag, you’ve hit the jackpot. You could sit there for a single hour tonight and see more action than Millwall v West Ham throughout the entirety of the 1980’s.
Go With the Flow
For the best all-round entertainment, we suggest you play it by ear. Simply walk around town listening for cries of, “Leave it Darren, e ain’t worf it.” Etc.
Alternatively, just follow around any group of pasty gingers in green shirts. One of them is bound to be the second cousin twice removed of Conor McGregor’s mum’s hairdresser and take great personal offence at something every half an hour or so.