The diminutive Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, and disturbingly coiffured President of the United States, Donald Trump, have been trading insults on Twitter over the last few days. So we thought it would be a good idea to offer our analysis on how things would end up if the lads hit the cobbles for a straightener.
Tale of the Tape
Donald “Trade War” Trump
Height: 6’2″ (head) 6’5″ (fringe)
Reach: 24″ (arms) 28″ (fringe)
Weight: Quite a lot
Signature Move: The Wall
Sadiq “Stab Vest” Khan
Reach: Drivers’ pockets
Weight: Not much
Signature Move: The Congestion Charge
We’ve all seen the trash-talking build-up; Trump’s braggadocious belligerence versus Khan’s virtue-signalling petulance. But who will hold their nerve when the claret starts flowing?
Trump, although giving up 25 years in age, obviously has the advantage in size, reach and ego. He also had a good run out in 2016, unexpectedly battering a crooked old lady to win his current title.
Khan, who also won his title in 2016, boxed a little as a kid to help survive the mean streets of Tooting. He also keeps in shape, like most Londoners, by dodging several stabbing attempts every time he pops to the shops.
Our prediction is that both of them, like all middle-aged-plus men who still think they’re hard, will swing and miss with two or three shit punches before gassing out. Then Trump will shout “hold me back” repeatedly and unconvincingly after his bodyguards step in.
So that’s it folks, a disappointing draw.
Next week on celebrity match-ups – Corbyn vs. Boris and Farage vs. Juncker.