Home Business and Money How to make 100% sure your CV ends up in the bin

How to make 100% sure your CV ends up in the bin

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Jobs are clearly overrated. Getting up everyday, doing this, doing that, pretending you like people. Who can be bothered with all that?

Then there’s the application process. We all know what the job market is like nowadays. Employers don’t let you know why you haven’t been invited for an interview. The majority don’t acknowledge your application most of the time. Some of them won’t even bother getting back in touch with you after an interview. So fuck ‘em right? Who’d want to work for these assholes anyway?

Who could blame you for being so jaded in a marketplace like this? To get your own back I suggest applying for jobs in an obviously passive-aggressive manner that shows these bastards you didn’t want to work for them anyway. If the odd decent employer, who would have been great to work for, gets caught in the crossfire, it’s just tough shit. Collateral damage. It serves them right for being associated with the rest of the capitalist pig employer class. Power to the people!

To get your revenge on employers in general, simply follow my simple 5 step plan to making absolutely sure the bastards know you don’t really need or want the job when you apply for it:

1 – Don’t read the job advert. Just click, click, click, apply, apply, apply on every job in sight and submit a generic CV/resume. Make sure you don’t accidentally tailor something in your application to the actual job being advertised. It’s just like online dating. The last thing you want is for someone you think is fit to know you think they’re fit. No, you want to be as aloof and disinterested as possible. Play it cool.

2 – Don’t look on the company’s website before applying. If you mention something about the company’s history or future plans and how you might fit in to them, you’ve really shot yourself in the foot. You’re like a creepy Facebook stalker. Employers will start to think you’re interested, proactive and that you might even give a shit about the company’s success if you were hired; yuck. Not a good look.

3 – Don’t be different. Whatever you do, don’t let your actual passion or personality spill out on to the application. It’s ok to be passionate about fake bullshit like ‘change management’ or ‘corporate culture’. But the last thing you want is to stand out from the crowd by talking about real life. So make sure you fill your CV with the same generic, management-speak bullshit as the other 184 applications these wankers have to sift through. As long as you cram in loads of phrases like “Works well on own initiative and also as part of a team” there’ll be no way of them distinguishing you from a resume writing robot. Lovely.

4 – Don’t write a tailored covering letter. If you really must attach a covering letter (Why should you? That could take up to 10 minutes. What’s up with you?), at least make sure it’s obvious it’s not been written just for them. Remember, play it cool. You’ve got to let them know, in no uncertain terms; there’s nothing interesting about their company, they aren’t special and you really couldn’t give a shit whether they offered you a job or not. If in doubt, treat ‘em mean keep ‘em keen is always the best approach.

5 – Cats. If all else fails, make sure they know you’ve got six cats. And refer to them as your children.

Good luck out there,
Sir Allen Shergar

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