Published On: Sun, May 11th, 2014

93% of Criminals in Liverpool Have Southport Accents

Wantonly placed traffic cones are an obvious sign that you are entering a seriously deprived area.

In 93% of muggings, burglaries and armed robberies committed in Liverpool, the perpetrator is reported to have had a Southport accent it has emerged.

Merseyside police have released the figures in preparation for the launch of ‘Operation Wools Back’, in which they will be attempting to stem the tide of Southport criminals hopping on the Northern Line to carry out their criminal activities in Liverpool.

Chief Constable Bert Lynch told us “It is always tempting, when you have an area of extreme deprivation, like Southport, for its undesirable elements to look for richer pickings in more gentrified areas like Anfield and Toxteth. They are seen as soft touches to the hardened wools who have grown up on the mean streets of Churchtown and Hillside.”

When we suggested to Chief Constable Lynch that scouse criminals may just be putting on the accent to help avoid detection he disagreed vehemently, “No, no, that isn’t the case at all. These are definitely hardened wools at work.”

“However, many victims are reporting less severe trauma after these incidents.” Lynch continued “It somehow seems less frightening, almost pleasant, to be bludgeoned or knifed by someone with such a nice, posh accent.”

‘Operation Wools Back’ is scheduled to commence next week with a series of dawn raids in places usually considered ‘no go’ by the police, such as Beresford Drive, Trafalgar Road and surrounding areas.

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