In a dramatic escalation of her international activism, pint-sized climate zealot and professional know-it-all Greta Thunberg has launched a daring crusade across the North Sea to “liberate Southport from the iron grip of a distant and merciless regime.”
Speaking in a live stream this morning, Thunberg announced her mission after hearing the shocking news that our brown recycling bins weren’t collected last Thursday. “How dare they!” she seethed.
“Your pier is a perfect metaphor,” she declared. “It was once warm, welcoming and full of tourists. Now it’s a rotting mess, just like Bonnie Blue’s recreational regions.”
Many locals thought Sefton’s cunning plan to halt traffic with endless roadworks would please eco-activists. But Greta is said to be furious about the fumes caused by idling engines at temporary traffic lights. She is, however, said to be delighted by our 300 miles of unused cycle lanes.
Locals seem puzzled by Greta’s crusade, yet she remains defiant “I will not rest until the Free People’s Low-Carbon Republic of Southport has its own homeland, out from under the jackboot of Sefton’s tyrannical occupation.” she declared.
If peaceful protest fails, Thunberg is allegedly planning a full blockage of Bootle, with the support of a fleet of weaponised donkeys seconded from Blackpool.
