LOCAL NEWS FOR LOCAL PEOPLE
Greta Thunberg en route to liberate Southport from occupation of Sefton Council
In a dramatic escalation of her international activism, pint-sized climate zealot and professional know-it-all Greta Thunberg has launched a daring crusade across the North...
Southport set for massive wall to keep out Scousers
It has emerged that a controversial mayoral candidate from Southport has been pushing for the erection of a 20' high border wall around the town.
Apparently, if...
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Study explains why people from Southport are so incredibly sexy
The reason why Sandgrounders naturally exude an aura of effortless attractiveness has been an unexplained mystery in the scientific community for many years. Until...
Southport beach in £3m Miracle-Gro sponsorship deal
The Southport Times can exclusively reveal that Sefton Council have sold naming rights to Southport Beach to the lawn fertiliser company, Miracle-Gro for around...
Southport’s Kew estate quarantined in bid to halt spread of STDs
Health officials have stepped in to completely fence off the Kew estate in Southport from the outside world, it has emerged.
We understand that the...
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Local witch doctor now statistically safer than Southport Hospital
According to statistics released by public health researchers this week, a patient is now 3.82% less likely to die unexpectedly from treatment by popular...
Southport gets apology for cremation of onion farmer
Southport Crematorium have issued an apology for the awful smell of onions hovering over Southport today.
Apparently a small dignified service was carried out for...
Southport brothel now offering Clubcard points
Southport's favourite brothel, Blue, has teamed up with a leading supermarket chain to offer clubcard points on every transaction.
Now, while patrons wait to be...
