The reason why Sandgrounders naturally exude an aura of effortless attractiveness has been an unexplained mystery in the scientific community for many years. Until now, that is.
A team of boffins at Edge Hill University have isolated a gene, exclusive to people born in the Southport area, which is responsible for almost otherworldly levels of charm, sophistication and downright sexiness.
Lead researcher, Dick Withers, told us that Sandgrounders didn’t always necessarily look like fashion models, but that, “They have this strange animal magnetism.”
“When people with normal levels of attractiveness are in proximity to someone from Southport,” Withers explained. “It is like they are tiny, insignificant little planets caught in the gravitational pull of a super-massive intergalactic flaming ball of sex.”
The scientists have pointed out, however, that such high levels of attractiveness can be problematic.
“We know it can be very difficult, for example, when people leave Southport for other towns, cities or countries.” Withers sympathised. “Coping with those who aren’t able to control themselves around such levels of sexiness. It can be tiring, fighting them off all day.”
That is why the scientists are now working on a pill, which will help Sandgrounders tone down their attractiveness a little when leaving their home town. They hope the new drug will ease the suffering of thousands of people from Southport who are just too sexy to lead normal lives.