Evil genius Bill Gates has secretly bio-engineered his coronavirus vaccine to make everyone think that Windows 10 is the best operating system ever, it has emerged.
Many conspiracy theories related to the vaccine have been posited in recent months – accusing Gates of everything from eugenics to genocide. But no one could have foreseen a plan quite so cunning or nefarious.
Microscopic nanobots will be injected into your bloodstream, hidden in the vaccine, which will make you immediately believe that all previous versions of Windows (even XP) were inferior. You’ll also be neurologically reprogrammed into uninstalling your knock-off copy of Office 2007 and signing up for the new rip-off subscription one.
Apparently, even the most ardent Apple devotees will find themselves suddenly longing for a second mouse button, a scruffier interface and a wider choice in gaming titles.
Authorities have already designed a test to find out if you are vaccinated or not. You will be shown an image that says, “Configuring update for Windows 10. 1% complete. Do not turn of your computer.” For 45 minutes. If you can whistle a cheerful tune for the full three-quarters of an hour, you’ll be fine. If you utter a single swear word you’ll be rounded up for mandatory inoculation.