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By admin On Wednesday, July 20th, 2016

Mild storm suggests God “chilling out” about gays

As everyone knows, God usually punishes towns and cities who indulge in a bit too much same sex hanky panky with apocalyptic natural disasters. However, following the news that Southport may soon be hosting its More...

By admin On Thursday, June 30th, 2016

Britain’s Nuclear Submarine Fleet to be Painted Yellow and Moved to Liverpool

The Southport Times can exclusively reveal that the question of where the UK’s nuclear submarine fleet will be housed in the event of Scottish independence has been settled. The four Vanguard class submarines, More...

david cameron petition
By admin On Saturday, June 25th, 2016

Petition calling for David Cameron to reconsider resignation reaches FOUR signatures

In the wake of the petition calling for a second EU referendum, voters have been flocking to sign another petition calling upon Britain’s most beloved Prime Minister, David Cameron, to reconsider his resignation, More...

By admin On Thursday, June 23rd, 2016

Thousands voting Brexit as sneaky way of trying to get rid of annoying foreign spouse or partner

We can exclusively reveal that many thousands of voters are heading to the polling booths today with the secret hope that if we leave the EU their irritating foreign spouse or partner might get deported. “If More...

southport cinema
By admin On Wednesday, June 22nd, 2016

Screen stolen from Southport’s new open air cinema

Southport’s latest entertainment destination, a beachside open air cinema, suffered a ‘devastating’ blow today, as thieves made off with the screen before the first film could be shown. Geoff Rimmer, More...

By admin On Tuesday, June 21st, 2016

Swivel-eyed Brexit morons should adopt a more respectful tone say Remain campaign

Campaigners for Britain to stay in the EU have today renewed their calls for ‘hate-filled, uneducated and bigoted’ Leave advocates to dial down the rhetoric and adopt a more civilised tone. “You More...

By admin On Sunday, June 19th, 2016

Brexit could end the DFS sale

Speaking on the Andrew Marr show this morning, David Cameron has warned that if Britain votes to leave the European Union the DFS sale really, really must end very soon. “A vote for Brexit is a vote for More...

By admin On Monday, March 14th, 2016

Antisocial kids ‘Just Little Bastards’

A study has been published today by a team of social scientists, which examined antisocial behaviour by gangs of youths around Southport. The researchers reached the surprising conclusion that the youths involved More...

By admin On Thursday, March 10th, 2016

FINES to be imposed for SWEARING in Southport town centre before 9pm

In an effort to clamp down on anti-social behaviour across the region, Sefton Council are set to impose an outright ban on foul language, it has emerged. We understand that the new zero-tolerance approach will be More...

jesus in southport
By admin On Tuesday, March 1st, 2016

Did Jesus visit Southport?

Although the question may at first seem ridiculous, evidence has emerged that Jesus’ feet may indeed have walked upon Southport’s golden beaches in ancient times. A team of historians at Edge Hill University More...